My Experience With Neuropathy

Chemotherapy can cause neuropathy which is nerve damage. It usually affects the hands and feet and may cause them to hurt, tingle, feel numb or weak and even cause an impaired sense of touch.

Some of the symptoms I’ve experienced include … burning, tingling, and prickling. I’ve had sharp shooting pain which kind of feels like an electrical shock ... and that's in both my hands and feet. 

I think it’s affected my walking because neuropathy can weaken muscles. In my case,  I had trouble with the arch of my  foot and had to go to the Chiropractor for him to stretch and strengthen my arch, foot and calves. I picked up some arch supports at the local grocery store which seems to help. Before seeing my Chiro, I used to have really bad feet, they felt like sticks with no feet and I used to flop my foot to the ground instead of stepping with the front of my foot and walking properly. Apparently, neuropathy can affect the reflexes in your feet and therefore can change the way you walk and for me … it did.

So how does neuropathy affect my life … well mostly, I don't feel solid on my feet. I have trouble picking up small objects and feel I’m just a bit clumsier … dropping things and such. I don’t have the strength to open jars, even the flip top to the ketchup container is uncomfortable to open. When I crack an egg and try to pull the shells apart, the pressure on my fingers is definitely felt, I’m very sensitive to heat … so I have to grab a pot holder to take plates out of the microwave and I have to be ever so careful when cutting or chopping food.. When I take my shower, hot water makes my feet burn so I have to turn the temperature down. At night I’m constantly flipping my feet around to find a comfy spot for my feet. The weight of the bed sheets puts pressure on my toes and if I have my feet flat on the bed, the pressure causes a burning sensation. The other night I woke up to burning feet … to get immediate relief, I sure wanted to go outside and run around in the snow but didn't … just ended up uncovering them to cool and waiting for the sensation to pass.

My biggest concern with my feet continues to be dryness and because I can’t feel any sort of pain from cracks in my skin … I do a visual check every day.

giving my martini the side eye... why drinking and breast cancer don't mix

Excuse me. Have we met? My name is Nicole... and I truly enjoy a good alcoholic beverage.

I mean... FOR REAL. Like, I want to be a bartender in my next life... that's how much I enjoy alcohol. (laughs)

I keep trying to ignore everything I've read that links breast cancer to alcohol consumption. Its not working for me. Here's the issue:  a study was released in December that shows an increase in breast cancer recurrence in women who consume more than 3 drinks per week. [alcohol-raises-risk-of-breast-cancer-recurrence]

** side eye **

I can drink three GOOD drinks in one evening... and still want more.

I can drink three GREAT DRINKS several times a week and not feel badly about it.

(sigh)

I like a good drink. It makes me happy. Puts a really good slick smile on my face. Sort of like this one:

You know... happy, giggly, carefree, bubbly. But now it seems that those three drinks might rush my death. Is that unfair or what? Sheesh.

Alcohol increases the amount of estrogen in your body. My cancer was estrogen driven. Adding alcohol to my body is defeating the purpose of the tamoxifen, and putting myself at a higher risk of having my cancer return. Sad, right? One of the great pleasures (for me) of being an adult, is indulging in adult activities... like having an adult beverage whenever I feel like it.

I am a social drinker. I rarely drink at home. It just doesn't have the same joy for me. But when I'm out with friends (or even alone) I definitely enjoy alcoholic beverages. I have to switch gears now and get adjusted to socializing with mocktails.

I'm trying not to be too down about the link between alcohol and breast cancer. I am trying to look at it in a different way. But I have to be honest, this will be one change that will definitely take some serious effort to overcome.

Cheers!

PS. I don't wanna hear nothing if you see me out with a drink in my hand. Nothing. (laughs)

An Inspiring Cancer Video

Here is a 5:49 minute inspiring cancer video by Kris Carr of Crazy Sexy Cancer.

Gift From a Friend

My good friend Arlene crocheted this beautiful shawl for me. It`s so soft and cuddly ... I can`t even tell you.

A bit about Arlene... she has been like a big sister to me especially when it comes to my cancer journey. We met at the Cross Cancer Clinic back in 2000 when we were both going through chemo for breast cancer. It turned out our treatments were identical. She progressed through things just a bit ahead of me because my white blood cells wouldn’t recover in time for a 3-week rotation, so I had to wait four weeks between treatments. Because Arlene was ahead of me, she always gave me the scoop on what to expect next. I can’t tell you how helpful that was for me back then. And she has been great support through my reoccurrences too.

I’m glad to say Arlene is cancer free and doing real well.

Thanks Arlene for the wonderful shawl and for being my good friend.

Sears Coffee Group

Yesterday I had coffee with the ladies and what a treat it was. J just got back for her Mexican vacation and she brought back souvenirs for us all. S brought gifts too and she didn’t even go anywhere. A came with 6 copies of the pictures taken at our Christmas get-together... with these little gifts, it was like Christmas all over again.

We talked about a bit about... who had recent tests done, any new medications we were on ... just generally how everyone was doing. What I noticed and even mentioned to the group ... is that no one was complaining. We all seemed to agree ... we just have to make the best of the cards we are dealt. And you know what... after coffee was over; I walked out of there with a bit more bounce in my step.

might as well be elbows... these new breasts of mine

Someone posted this statement in a breast cancer forum I track. It made me laugh out loud although honestly, her post was more angst than humor. But the thought that her newly constructed breasts might as well be elbows just struck me as funny. She was discussing having her nipples done... and it made me laugh. Second time today, I've thought about the nipple reconstruction phase of this "re-build" after my mastectomy.

I suppose for those of you not so intimately involved with the whole mastectomy-reconstruction world... it may be a surprise to learn that nipples don't come with your new breast(s). (laughs) But... alas, they do not. Getting nipples is a wholly separate procedure and pretty detailed from what I understand. I keep giggling about it because my "barbie boob" has started to grow on me. No pun intended.

(you know how Barbie's boobs have no nipples, right? that's what I call my noobie -- new boobie)

I suppose it will seem even more "normal" when it looks less like a doll-part and more like a lady-part. But until then...


I'm starting to feel whole again. My sexy noobie is nothing like my other breast. But in its own way, its soooo very fabulous. I mean... dig it.. its all nice and perky. Reminds me of my young-tender days... when everything was all upright and perky 'round these parts. (laughs) My noobie is so fabulous that it really doesn't NEED a bra, though of course I do wear one. That other side...? whew lawd... we have to strap ol' girl down!
 
Its sort of nice you know. Feeling perky and young again.  And even though I'm not balanced, I'm cool with that. Or rather, I'm better about it.

At the onset of this journey, I really had no idea that it would ultimately be years before I was done with everything and back to whole again. Each step of the way, I've thought "okay, now that's over... I can get back to living again". Only to be hit with another something that needs to be done or considered in the future. I will admit that its tiresome and sort of scary. But at the same time... it is what it is.

One thing I have learned from dealing with all of this is that LIFE KEEPS GOING until it stops. As much as I would like it to be different, there really isn't a pause button. So, no matter what you're going through, dealing with or expecting to come around that corner... life still goes on. Everyday that your eyes open... that's life that needs to be lived.

Don't laugh but this is a difficult concept for me to embrace somedays. I need a break sometimes. A break from having breast cancer. A break from being single. A break from not being a mommy. A break from all these doggone bills. Just a break. But the truth is that... no such thing exists. So, you have to switch up your perspective. Look for the funny, the giggle.... I mean... what if instead of a breast I did have a third elbow jutting out of my chest? (laughs) How crazy would that be?

...and yes, if I had a third elbow jutting out of my chest... I would learn to rock that joint like it was THE sexiest thing ever seen in this world. Yes, I would! I am "that" girl...

I have laughed a lot over the past few days. Silly things, like crazy videos on the internet and crazier blog posts from various bloggers... and each time I've been grateful for the ability to laugh and to cry with joy. I have been stressed a lot lately, worried about what might happen in different situations. But I finally just gave it back to God to handle and decided that no matter what happens, I am blessed in this moment just to be alive. So many of my brothers and sisters with cancer did not make it. While I'm here I feel it is my privilege to be happy about it.

So, even though my noobie isn't exactly what I expected, I love it. I love the fact that I have it. I love the fact that it replaced the breast that was trying to kill me. I love the fact that if I didn't tell you there was a situation under my bra -- you wouldn't know it. I love my noobie... and I'm glad that it isn't an elbow. (laughs)

Some of the places I've found giggles this week:

http://www.ohellnawl.com/

http://youknowyoudeadazzwrong.blogspot.com/

http://missjia.com/

http://www.averagebro.com/2010/01/laugh-break-corey-holcomb.html

If you have some favorite funny sites on the web, please leave a comment with the link. I tell you, laughter is good for the body and the spirit. Keep the giggles coming folks...

Xeloda Toes Update

The splits on my big toes are nearly healed. Compare this to what they looked like ten days ago ... split open and bleeding.  I wrap them once a day each morning with gauze and a good dollop of cream then bandage.

Even with the twice daily moisturizing, the heals of my feet are still showing signs of drying and peeling skin. I’ve tried wrapping them with a variety of gauze, bandages and tape but it all seems to slip off during the day. At night it’s better because I put socks on and am off my feet. I may have to go back to the medical supply store to see what else they have to offer.

If you look at the picture of my beautiful feet ...  you will notice some brown spots developing. I have some small ones on my hands too. The Onc didn’t seem too concerned.

 My hands don’t seem to be affected by the seasonal dryness as my feet. I do notice some layers of skin peeling off so as a preventative measure I put tape on them ... especially my thumbs.

Breast Cancer Awareness Video

CT Scan Results Today

Just got back from the clinic and my CT scan results indicate things are stable. My liver has rotated a bit so the radiologist couldn’t take any measurements of my tumours but in his report, he said it didn’t look like there were any noticeable changes.

With regards to my lungs ... there appears to be a bit more fluid around them compared to the last scan. The Onc asked how my lungs were feeling. I said they are better than previous months. I still cough a bit and use the inhaler maybe one day in a cycle but overall I think it’s much better. She said we’ll just watch that then.

I mentioned the splits in my toes and she asked to see them ... fortunately, they are looking pretty good right now. She also asked to look at my hands and said they weren’t red so we can continue with the same dosage of Xeloda.

I mentioned to her that I had been occasionally seeing stars the last couple of weeks. She asked if they were dark spots and I said no ... they were stars with jagged edges like in a kaleidoscope. She did some visual tests and said if the problem persisted, we’d do a head scan after the next visit.

... so all in all a good report. I can breathe easy for three months ... until the next scan.

You're Fired

I don't know about many of you but I am tired of hearing about the big banks in America, and the enormous payouts they give to some of their employees. If you were "top big to fail" then how come you needed a large sum for bailout money from the government a year ago?

You may not have heard of it yet but there is a

grassroots effort to Move your Money from the big banks to a smaller bank. The thought behind this movement is that smaller community banks did not and will not make the risky investments that brought us to the current financial crisis. As Arianna Huffington writes, "Consider it a withdrawl tax on the big banks for the negative service they provide by consistently ignoring the public interest."

I really like this idea, supporting small local banks. Sure I may have to walk a little farther to find an ATM who will not charge me a fee, but if that money isn't going to pay some enormous bonus/salary to an executive at a bank who doesn't care about the local community, then I am all for it!

To find a list of the small community banks in your area go to moveyourmoney.info/

For now I will put my best Donald Trump impression on, and go to my bank and say "You're Fired". I am still debating if I should add the hand gesture with it. Thoughts?

Related Posts: I want to spend money, Turning your cause into a community

Picture courtesy of :http://www.medicalpracticetrends.com/tag/software/

Femininity after breast cancer

Does breast cancer have an affect on the woman's femininity?

I saw a tweet this morning with this question and a link to this page: (does breast cancer affect females femininity?)  And honestly, it annoyed and frustrated me instantly. I know that I complain and moan about not feeling sexy and losing my swagger throughout this process all the time. But seeing that tweet just made me feel like someone was telling me to just give up on the notion of ever feeling sexy in my own skin again.

Its one thing if I have concerns and worries about myself. It is a totally different thing if someone is trying to tell me that they "know" something to be true about who I am. I don't like that very much. You can't know what I don't show you. Breast cancer is a thief. But I refuse to give up anything else because of this disease -- especially something as wonderful and priceless as my femininity.

I read the poster's question and the responses...and it made me sad, mad and motivated. Sad because millions of women live with breast cancer and it is sad to think that there are millions of women out there who may feel disconnected from their feminine spirit. Mad... breast cancer robs you of so much throughout your treatment. You go through emotional swings daily (if not hourly). It negatively affects so many parts of your life. To think that it could steal something that is so intrinsic and beautiful about being a woman is just cruel. And finally... it motivated me to get busy turning the thoughts in my head into tangible efforts that will help someone else dealing with this issue.

I refuse -- hear me -- RE-FUSE to let go of my femininity. That certain thing that separates women from children and females from males is as exciting as the sparkle on a diamond,  and as comforting as a hot toddy on a cold evening. Femininity is a glorious thing. I may not feel it all the time, but trust me... that's a temporary state. I'm all about being wonderfully and totally a girl.

I found a company that creates luxury lingerie for mastectomy patients. They have really put some thought into these items. Very nice, very pretty. That's what I'm talking about. I can still be fine after its all said and done.

Breast cancer, what?? Get outta here. My lovely cannot be restrained. http://www.dimurini.com/

Got Out of the House

Yesterday I went to Super Store to stock up on Udder cream. I’m really going through a lot it so I picked up a tub and a jumbo tube. I’m now moisturizing my feet twice a day and they are feeling and looking so much better. I also drove over to a medical supply store to pick up some Kinesio Tex Tape ... I apply this tape on my hand and forearm to help move the lymphedema fluid out of my in my hand. I think its working.

I then asked the clerk what they had for dressing to apply to fingers and toes. She showed me a roll of tubular gauze. You just cut off the amount you need for your size of finger or toe and roll it on.

My daily moisturizing ritual is to put a big dollop of cream on gauze squares, put it on my big toe and then pull the tubular gauze on. A little medical tape to hold it in place and I’m good to go. Pretty slick.

learning to live a little

 I had a great time today... hanging with one of my besties and just talking. We talked about how we have become complacent in our lives and its time to break that bad habit and get back into the swing of things.

I confessed to her that I feel that I've lost my mojo, lost a bit of my swagger... though I'm on a mission to get it back. I am a reformed party girl. Yes, I admit it. I partied through my 20's and halfway through my 30's too. It was fun and I enjoyed just hanging out and meeting new people. The problem with being the party girl is that eventually you get old. And then you're not the hot girl... but the old chick at the spot. No matter how cute you are... partying isn't a lifetime career/hobby move. Its temporary and fleeting at best.

But its fun!!  And I'm all about having fun. That is what makes dealing with breast cancer rather difficult. Breast cancer is really NOT fun. Not that you can't find shining moments, and happy giggles while you deal with your treatment and its aftermath. But that overall... it is just too mentally consuming to really allow you to relax and float away on life's giggles.

I am struggling with navigating this void after "active" treatment. It is known to be a period where many breast cancer survivors fall into depressive states and feel lost and confused. (hand raised...) I can totally relate to that feeling. Even though I knew this was coming, and I thought I was prepared for it... I am having a hard time dealing with the loss of being in the cancer center regularly, and seeing my medical team all the time.

But the honest truth is that its over. I am done with that part of my breast cancer journey and I have to find new comfort in my new life. I told my girl that I feel that I have sort of collapsed in on myself. I hide behind this computer screen -- mostly hidden away in my bedroom -- and pretend to reach out to the world and interact. The truth is that... its easy here. Its safe here. But... real talk... its also BOR-ING here. The old Nic was a lot of fun. She was a bit of a crack-pot, sometimes flighty as hell... but good for some giggles and whatnot.

This new chick? Man... she's a stick in the mud, for real. Nice girl, to be sure. But scary as h*ll. (laughs) With good reason, I know.

Bottom line, I'm digging deep... pushing myself hard... determined to get back to the sexy girl I know that I can be. So... my new goal is to get out of my comfort zone at least twice a month and do something fun and different.

I will keep you posted on how that all turns out. We're starting with... going out dancing on Friday night. Pray for me!!!

Yesterdays Get Moving Session

Yesterday I went to the 'Get Moving’ session offered at the Cross Cancer Clinic. The three hour session included teleconferencing from the Tom Baker Clinic in Calgary. There were a variety of medical professionals speaking on the importance of physical activity as a part of cancer treatment ... and especially after treatment to return to a normal lifestyle. The message seemed to do something instead of nothing.

One of the more enjoyable parts was when Brian McGregor Founder of Cancervive who spoke about his survivor story. He was very entertaining ... and especially funny. Cancervive raises money to help support those living with cancer and surviving beyond cancer. They work closely with Calgary Wellspring, a support center for those living with cancer and their loved ones.

Wellspring is due to open a location in Edmonton and Brain said Cancervive is working with Edmonton to make that happen.

Full Day Ahead

I’ve got a couple of things planned for today so am posting early.

Last night I was at Costco and I’m excited to say that I picked up ... get ready for it ... Susan Boyles, I Dreamed A Dream.

Did I mention that I’m so excited when she sings? ... I get goose bumps!

Anyways, I think that will be all for now...

my faith is keeping me sane

I am a christian woman. My entire life is peppered with great memories of church, vacation bible school, choir, and praise. I am not active in church right now -- haven't been for a number of years -- but I do still love the Lord very much.

I share a lot of myself here but not all... but I wanted to share that my faith, my spirituality, my ability to pray and believe that God wants the best for me is truly a lifeline. God is good and although the economy is shaky and money is funny... I believe that God will see me through all of this.

I pray in spurts. I'm not the one to stop for a few hours and say all the right words that you hear at church. I am a conversationalist with my prayer. I simply talk out loud, or ask a question and wait. Sometimes I close my eyes, other times I don't. Sometimes I'm praying as I'm writing a blog entry. It all depends on how my spirit is feeling.

Not sure why I wanted to share this with you. I've read a lot about how cancer patients should really have a connection to a higher power in order to help them deal with what they are going through. And I've also read about a study that came out last year that said that folks with strong faith were more likely to have to go through intensive treatments. (USA Today, Cancer coping)  While I'm sure that the studies were done correctly and all, I find it hard to believe that faith and prayer do anything but help you get through a diagnosis of cancer (or any difficult circumstance).

Without faith where would I be? If I don't believe that God has the best in mind for me, then I may as well quit now. Some days the burdens and worries get really heavy. Today is one of those days in fact. But I know that when I pray to God, He listens and He helps me to handle all that I've been given. Good and bad.

There is a book that I really want to read, Faith, Hope and Healing: Inspiring Lessons Learned from People Living with Cancer.  Breast cancer has changed me, changed my life, and changed my family in wonderful ways. It is still scary but when things feel dark and I start to worry too much... a prayer always gives me the strength to take another step forward.

Why I keep on blogging

Lately, I've been wondering a few things about this blog. Where is it going? Will it always be a hobby? Should I consider really making and effort to find ways to earn income from this? Is anybody truly paying attention? And if so, who are they? Am I meeting their needs? Am I meeting my own? Do I still have a relevant voice now that I'm not in active treatment? And finally... if I stopped doing it, then what?

I don't have answers to all those questions. But I have been really thinking about why I continue to blog about breast cancer. I'm done with chemotherapy. I hope to never EVER have to have radiation therapy again. I've lost and regained my breast. And they tell me that there isn't any more cancer in my body. So... why do I keep blogging about breast cancer? Is it healthy for me to keep talking about it? And (very important to me) is this blog keeping me from connecting with cute and available men because they don't want to deal with the "cancer girl"?

why I continue to blog about breast cancer

Because this will always be a part of my life. I can try to stuff it away in the back corners of my mind and pretend it didn't happen. I can acknowledge it once a year for a race for a cure or something. But neither of those options are good for Nicole emotionally. I'm a different kind of girl. I have to express myself or things get all bottled up inside and I start to go a little haywire. Its not a good look, trust me.

I imagine as time goes on and I become farther and farther removed from this time, it may not loom as largely in my heart. But even then, I think I will still blog about and talk about my experience with breast cancer. Awhile back I blogged (/home-from-gala-and-i-miss-cleavage-) that I went to a cancer gala and one of the honorees (a breast cancer patient) said that she had been blessed to have cancer and that she had gained so much from having cancer. At the time, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard anyone say. I have heard similar remarks from other breast cancer survivors and patients since then... and each time I thought that I must be crazy because I can't see cancer as any sort of a blessing.

But thinking about this blog, planning my future with it, realizing how many doors have opened for me and how many more will open for me... because of these words and this experience has led me to believe that in a very twisted way... breast cancer has been a blessing in my life too. Don't misunderstand me, this has been a horrible experience in so many ways. But there have been a lot of shining moments that would not have happened if Fred and Ted and Jim hadn't shown up on film. http://greenhillgoldman.blogspot.com/2008/08/so-theres-more-to-catch-up-on.html

Local Information Session

When I was at the clinic last Tuesday, I picked up a pamphlet that told of an information session hosted by the clinic called GET MOVING! ... it’s geared for cancer patients, survivors, family members, medical professionals, fitness professionals and anyone who wants to learn more about the role of physical activity.

You can:

• hear the latest evidence

• get the latest advice on starting and staying active

• find out about the community resources available to you

Free of charge. No registration is required.

Hosted by the Culos-Reed Health and Wellness Lab and the University of Calgary.

This all goes tomorrow, Friday, January 22 from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm at the Cross Cancer Institute, Zane Feldman Auditorium.

Is NBC Really That Bad?

Clearly mistakes were made. Ratings were lost. Feelings were hurt.

NBC screwed up. Big time. By trying to shake up the up the late night show lineup, they inadvertently rattled the cages of throngs of die-hard Conan O'Brien fans. This has been the center of attention throughout popular media for the past week, even on NBC shows, and especially on Conan's show.

I love Conan, and like many other fans, felt slighted, even personally insulted, by NBC's selfishness and insensitivity. How could they do that to Conan?? But upon reflection, was I really mad at NBC or simply frustrated with an unfortunate situation. NBC's not a person. Getting angry at a television network is like a five-year-old ragefully throwing his Wii controller because he can't beat the last level of the new Mario game. Or like me ragefully throwing my Wii controller because I can't beat the last level of the new Mario game. It's pointless.

Sure, we can point fingers at Jeff Zucker, or other NBC senior leaders. But come on. The point of NBC, and pretty much every other for-profit company in the world, is to make money. Do you really the current situation would be handled any differently with different corporate leadership? There are profits to maximize and shareholders to please.

Again, I'm a huge Conan fan and am deeply regretful that he's leaving The Tonight Show, but that's business. Even show business.

P.S. In slightly related NBC news, I thought it was awesome of SNL's Weekend Update to plug donations for Haiti last Saturday. There are numerous relief organizations and ways to donate to help Haiti recover from the recent earthquake. If you haven't already donated, texting HAITI to 90999 is quick and easy way to give $10 to a tremendous cause.

Xeloda Toe

Since the skin on my big toes suddenly cracked and bled, I’ve taken serious action ... I now moisturize my feet two times a day and wear socks 24/7. I pay special attention to my big toes by applying a bunch of lotion on to a piece of gauze and tape it on to my toes. I think the extra moisture and the protection that the gauge provides helps with healing.

It appears to be working because the cracks look like they are getting smaller... which is a great. I’ve also started wrapping up my thumbs as well because I noticed that a layer or two of skin peeled off in December. I’m hoping that by mega moisturizing them, I can prevent any cracking and repair some of the damage already done.

All my life I’ve had dry skin and my feet take a beating through winter. Usually I’ve had trouble with skin cracks appearing around my heals, so I haven’t paid much attention. But with being on Xeloda, I now know that frequent application of a moisturizer a must.

Just when you start to feel strong... you slide backwards

In talking about myself so much through this blog, I've discovered that my ability to overlook and downplay what I'm really feeling and going through is pretty high. I am amazed at just how frequently I talk myself out of believing what I'm experiencing and feeling.

Example: I fell down maybe a month ago. Never went to the doctor, didn't think it was a big hit to my body. Decided to rest and take it easy and just let my body heal itself. Today, I find myself wondering why its taking me so long to get my "umph" back since the surgery. Now, I've talked myself out of going to the doctor, out of believing that the bruises were the indicators of anything serious, and simply have blamed myself for being clumsy and being a brat for even considering worrying about this. Of all things that I can worry about, this is pretty low. (That's what I have been telling myself) And yes, my friends have been encouraging me to go and get it checked out but I have not been able to do that yet.

How silly is that? I have more doctors than the average person should ever know and yet I am hesitating going to the doctor to be checked out?

Sigh. I bother myself with these silly shenanigans. I tell you, I can't believe how much of a baby I've been about all of this. Why Nicole? What are you worried about really?

And then I spent a little time on the breastcancer.org message boards and remembered -- by reading other women's messages about their experiences with breast cancer treatment -- that I've been through a lot. And no matter how much I try to believe, accept or convince myself that its behind me, that I'm back to normal... I've been through a lot. And the real truth that I've been unwilling to face is that I'm still scared.

Life is difficult and unpredictable. Having breast cancer only highlights that unpredictability. I believe that I'm dealing with an anxiety issue. Now that I know what it is, I can deal with it. But first, I have to actually walk out the door and back into my life.

CT Scan Today

I went in for my CT scan 7:45 this morning … bright and early. This one’s a big deal for me ‘cause it’s my first scan since starting Xeloda. The nurse at the clinic remembered me from past scans and said … you need heat don’t you … meaning, I need heat on my veins to make them to pop for the IV. Well let me tell you, even with heat the nurse had to dig and dig to get that IV in. Ouch! They all like to go for the vein in my left forearm, the one that had six rounds of FEC chemo back in 2000. So this vein has already been used and abused. Anyways, I’m willing to put up with the grief because only the other option is to get a PICC line in again and I am not the least bit interested in that.

Once we got the IV in place, the nurse brought in my contrast cocktail. Only one jug instead of two … I asked her if that was right and she double checked and said yes … you’re only getting your abdomen and chest done. I guess since my last bone scan came back with no evidence of cancer; they took it off the list.

I was out of there at 8:35; I’ll have the results when I see my Onc next week.

My Medicine Bag

This past year and a half I’ve had quite the variety of side effects from my two chemotherapies. To help myself along, I purchased a little plastic organizer for all my cancer related medical stuff. I need to have someplace where I can keep things organized. The issue is I can’t remember where I placed this or that and I don’t have the patience to go look for it.

Probably the most important item in the container is my thermometer ... a must for every chemo patient. A normal temperature is paramount and I’d have to say everything else comes in a close second. To help prevent any chance of infection, I try to keep my stuff separate from Ds and don’t share... things like nail clippers, polysporin tubes and the Q-tip container. I regularly wipe things down with alcohol wipes to make sure it all stays as clean as possible.

I find this container is a perfect size and if I’m traveling, I just toss it in my carry-on. That way I pretty well know that I have everything I need.

More Xeloda Toe

Last night I applied lots of lotion on my two big toes, wrapped both with gauze and off to bed I went. This morning to my surprise, I woke to find the other big toe cracked. Now I have a matching pair....sweeeet. I’m a bit shocked because I thought I was doing the right things to prevent dryness and therefore the cracking of the skin. Well I think it’s all a bit more complicated than that. Yesterday when I looked at the bottom of my good big toe, I noticed that a top layer of skin had wore off, the cracked area was shiny but it certainly didn’t show signs of cracking by no means. So I’m not exactly sure why it cracked during the night...maybe... it’s the chaffing of the bed sheets combined with the weight of the blankets... I don’t know.

My first reaction was to jump on the web to see what others have said about their Xeloda Toe. Tho I found a few suggestions, none sounded real promising as they were more like helpful hints as opposed to solutions. So this is what I’m gonna do... lotion and socks to bed, not walking around barefooted, wearing leather sole shoes in the house and continue keeping my feet clean.

I just wanted to mention that even though it might look painful; these cracks don’t cause me any. Neuropathy is the reason why I really don’t feel much at all on the bottoms of my feet.

So this afternoon I’m off on a mission... to shop for some diabetic socks for bed and some comfortable shoes for around the house.

Big Toe Skin is Split and Bloody

Just after I got out of bed today, noticed an unusual feeling on the bottom of my big toe, right foot. When I looked at it ... there was a small bloody vertical split in the skin near the center of the pad ... and I have no idea how it happened.

I quickly cleaned up the wound and put a bandage on before D and I met my sister and mother for breakfast. When I came home, I soaked the toe in a solution of warm water and salt. Then, I applied Polysporin and wrapped it up in gauze. I also noticed my other big toe was looking like some of the layers of skin where peeling away so I put some lotion on and wrapped it too.

All along, I’ve been trying to figure out how it happened. We checked my inside of my socks and the bed sheets for signs of blood and found nothing.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I didn’t step on anything or kick anything....the skin on my big toe just split open. This is one of the documented side effects of Xeloda. All along I have been diligent about putting cream on my feet but looks like I need to do a visual underneath as well.

Attached is a bottom shot of my big toe ....

All about Haiti right now

The devastation that the people of Haiti have experienced this week has broken my heart. To think that a natural disaster like an earthquake could cause more than 100,000 people to lose their lives and many, many more to be injured is difficult to comprehend.

One thing that is always on my mind is that life can change dramatically in an instant. A moment is all that it takes. A mere blink of an eye... and everything that you thought you knew about yourself, your ability, your life... just gone. Totally different. And in those life changing moments, you have an instant to decide whether to move forward or stand still. There's no turning back.

I keep thinking about the people in Haiti who live with critical and/or chronic illnesses -- like breast cancer patients and survivors -- and I wonder how they are doing. So much of the country is devastated and broken up. People are living in the street because the buildings are in shambles. It is so very sad.

What can we do? Contribute to reputable organizations who are coordinating relief efforts. Reach out to your friends, neighbors, co-workers who may have family in Haiti. They will need our support to get through this tragedy as well. I think a very important thing to do is to pray.

I am in prayer for my brothers and sisters in Haiti. Their needs are great and will be for quite some time.

Please pray with me and do whatever you feel led to do to assist.

Knitting Group

Last night I had a rough sleep ... waking up often and with numerous bad dreams. Obviously I’m a bit anxious. I’m thinking it has to do with next week’s CT scan. Tonight I’ll definitely be taking an Ativan ... may even take half a pill this afternoon.

This morning I had my knitting group. I started the group still trying to recover from the bad night’s sleep but as time went on I started to feel a bit better. I think what was most helpful was when one facilitator sat down beside me to chat. We ended up talking about my cancer blog. Well I definitely perked then because I love to talk about my blog and how helpful it is for me to cope with my cancer. I love to share how much support fellow cancer bloggers have given me. We ended up talking a bit about her mother who had metastatic breast cancer and was given a poor prognosis ... she lived with that for 25 years before a new cancer came along. You know what ... I really needed that chat.

Sears Coffee Group

Yesterday our Sears group met for coffee. I always look forward to getting together with the ladies. Even when I was at my weakest, I still needed to get out and be with the gals. Yesterday everyone said I looked so good and was so energetic ... I told them I had put on some make-up ... and that always helps. It was nice to hear tho. Anyways, the talk includes getting caught up on any new news ... health wise or not. I returned the jam jars to Irm from our Christmas gift exchange...hint...hint. S brought some Farside books to share... figuring it was better that we get some comic relief than sit on her bookshelf. We really do connect well in this group.

I have to mention Ari, our mascot ... he also joins us at every meeting. He gets his own chair at the table. That way every passerby gives him a second look. At first glance ... they must think a person? baby? or animal? Sometimes they comment but most often they just smile. Yesterday I was playing with Ari a bit and put his hand behind his ear like he was trying to listen or pose for a hunky picture... it was pretty cute when the table noticed what I had done ... he is really fun to have around.

It was such a nice drive too. And right from the mall parking lot... I cranked up the music ... yesterday I felt a little bit country...

Susan G. Koman Joins Forces With The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation

Personally, I’m very excited about this partnership because through collaboration these two organizations will be more effective in helping find a cure for cancer.

Here are some snippets taken from a news release found on the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation website...

TORONTO and DALLAS – January 12, 2010 -Leading breast cancer organizations Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation in Canada and Susan G. Komen for the Cure® in the United States today announce a new agreement to raise funds and explore possibilities to partner in research, education, advocacy and awareness programs across borders.

About the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation

The Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation was founded in 1986 by a group of volunteers and has become the leading national volunteer-based organization in Canada dedicated to creating a future without breast cancer.

About Susan G. Komen for the Cure

Komen was founded in 1982 by Nancy G. Brinker, who promised her dying sister, Susan G. Komen, that she would do everything she could to end breast cancer forever. Since then, Komen has grown to become the world’s leading breast cancer organization, investing almost $1.5 billion in research and community-based programs through a network of more than 120 community Affiliates in the United States, Europe and Puerto Rico. 

To read the complete article, follow this link … http://www.cbcf.org/en-US/About%20CBCF/Media%20Centre/News%20Releases/2010%20-%20Komen.aspx

Dating chronicles: meeting men on the internet... who are these people?

Okay, so you know I've been home recuperating from my reconstruction for a bit. The internet has been my way of exploring the world from the comfort of home. After a few (and I mean just a few) dates last year, I decided that I needed to be a bit more proactive about meeting guys. I needed a strategy and I needed to implement that plan. So, I decided to open my mind and revisit internet dating.

Um. Yeah. (confused face) Madness.

So, the cool thing about internet dating is that you can look at the pictures from the comfort of your home and decide quickly whether or not someone interests you. Its easy. And the instant gratification that comes when they respond to you is a good feeling. Unless the person who reaches out to you is a bit... well, different... from your normal interests.

First example of... not quite right. Attractive guy, close to my age, in my metropolitan area... seems cool. I looked at his picture when it came up in the rotation -- didn't comment or anything but thought to myself that he wasn't hard on the eyes. He was rather cute actually. But for some reason, I had a feeling that he wouldn't be feeling me. (This was shortly after my surgery and I was feeling a bit unpretty and very much like damaged goods) I thought it was a good sign when he tagged me to chat and wanted to get to know me.

After we got past the name introductions, he tells me... "I like women who have your look".

(What does that mean?)

I asked him if he meant that he liked women with short haircuts. He responded that no, that wasn't what he meant. He meant that I looked "open" and he liked women who were open.

Wait... what?

Again, not understanding what this dude is saying... I asked him what he meant by open. His response... "a woman who looks open to men and women".

Now... y'all know I am very straight. (and if you didn't know, now you do) But I am very big on building relationships between women (friendships and business relationships) and I believe that quality friendships can enrich your life in multiple ways. But, I'm not naive... I didn't think that he meant he could see in my shining smile that I liked linking good people with good people. I just had never spoken to anyone who thought that I looked bisexual. It was a shocker to me.

I responded... "just to clarify, I'm very heterosexual and I'm cool with that" and he responded "great". He then procedes to tell me that women who are very open are cool with him because he's very open.

Ruh roh. (Scooby doo voice)  Spidey senses are going off and I can practically see fireworks behind my eyelids... (sigh) Exactly what is this guy trying to tell me?

Me:  "what do you mean by that?"
Him: well... I like to have bj's by white guys.
Me:  blink blink - dead silence.
Me:  silent
Me:  silent
Me:  okay... what exactly do you mean?
Him: I like to have white men service me with oral sex (okay, that's not exactly what he said but I'm trying to clean it up since this is the internet)
Me: (thinking... what in the holy h*ll have I stumbled into?)
Me:  Oh really? Well, that's um, interesting.
Him:  yeah, I think its pretty cool. I like it a lot.
Me:  so... do you identify as gay or bisexual or what exactly?
Him:  oh no. I'm straight. I'm here looking for a long-term relationship with a woman.
Me:  blink blink - dead silence
Me:  sigh. How's that?
Him:  well, I don't have sex with men and I'm not attracted to them in any way but I like the power I feel when they want me and want to service me that way.

Okay... at this point, I'm wondering what I did in my past lives to have earned this sort of foolishness when I was earnestly trying to meet someone nice. I mean... I'm a good person, I love the Lord, I pray and read my bible. I'm a little behind on my tithing but hey... overall, I'm a good girl. So, why is this freak-dude on my computer telling me this weirdness? What sort of twisted punishment is this? (shrug) Don't even know. However, since I'm so curious about people and what drives them... I was compelled to ask a whole lot of questions because I knew that I would never talk to this guy again in my life.

So I keep going.

Me:  hmm... so why white guys? If its not a physical attraction, then what is it?
Him:  I feel like its payback for racism.
Me:  (thinking -- this dude is a moron for real) "Really now, that's interesting."
Him:  so... does that bother you?
Me:  (screaming inside... HELL YES!)
Me:  um, no. I mean, its your life that you're living. If you're happy with the choice then great.
Him:  cool... see, I knew you were open. (laughs)
Me:  (thinking -- man, you have no idea how closed and uptight I really am)
Me:  well, not really. I'm not that open-minded but I do accept that people have to do what makes them happy -- even if its not something I would do myself.
Him:  would you have a problem with this if we were to date?
Me: (again, screaming on the inside)  well, it would depend on the nature of our relationship. If we were platonic friends -- non-sexual friends -- nope. Your sex life is your business. But if we were to consider dating, then yes. Its a deal breaker for me. I couldn't comfortably date a man who was bisexual.
Him:  I'm not bisexual. I just do this "thing" from time to time. Its payback.
Me:  oh, my bad. I understand.

And I do (well sort of) understand. I understand that there are people who engage in same sex relations but who do not subscribe to the belief that they are gay or bisexual in any way. I don't really agree with the notion but then, I'm not into same sex love personally.

What surprised me -- beyond the admission of this weird prediliction for strange reverse racism sexual role play -- was that he told me this without coersion, immediately following the "my name is" portion of the conversation. I'm not sure why he felt so comfortable with sharing something so personal but I have to say it dinged my self-esteem in a major way. I was sick/sad/upset for a couple of weeks after this conversation.

Why? Because I internalized that his decision to find a girlfriend who was open to his lifestyle choices meant that I was someone who came across as "easy" or sexually loose -- neither of which are actually true. Now that weeks have passed since this conversation, I realize just how crazy I was to even think that way.

Having breast cancer as a single girl is damaging to the self-esteem. I cannot over state that. However, this guy's personal sexual choices are not a reflection on me nor are they a statement that I'm damaged goods only worthy of someone I'm so very incompatible with.

You would be surprised at just how long it took me to come to that level of understanding. In hindsight, the story was funny. I did ask him whether he had met a lot of women who were comfortable with his non-mainstream interests. He wouldn't answer. He did say that it was probably more than I would expect.

Wow.  Who knew?

I didn't immediately quit the dating site. I thought that he had to be an anomaly and I figured that there had to be better out there. Of course, you know my luck isn't that great so... there are more stories to follow. I left after a couple of weeks because the responses I was getting weren't really of the quality I was seeking and the site wasn't free. I didn't see the point of paying to meet losers. So I bounced.

I'll tell you about the spanker in the next episode of my dating with cancer chronicles.

Let me add... I never even took the time to explain to him that I was a breast cancer survivor. I hesitated in the beginning because I thought it was a liability and he would run screaming away. And then, well, the craziness started and I didn't see the point in sharing my stuff when his was so much more interesting.

Anybody else out there experiencing interesting connections on-line?

Breast Cancer Surgery Video

Here is a four minute 3D animated medical video showing various surgical procedures to remove breast cancer lumps and tumors.

Lopsided boobies -- the stuff nobody wants to discuss

The discussion about bra colors (what color bra are you wearing?) caused me to really look at a sensitive issue that I wasn't comfortable dealing with directly. But... I'm gonna do it anyway because somebody has to bring it up and make it plain.

My boobies are lopsided.

Yes. I'm serious. My precious girls are lopsided. (no, that isn't me in the picture) And it makes me giggle (sometimes) and slightly angry/annoyed/frustrated all the other time. I mean, seriously... why isn't this part of normal conversation?

I am a plain-talker. I need things to be spelled out for me clearly, plainly and obviously before I understand everything. Maybe I'm slow... I don't know.  What I do know is that I am still recuperating from my surgery -- my body still aches, walking is still difficult, standing is hard and I am sooo frustrated. But I am determined to heal completely and to move forward so all this slow, awkward crap just has to go. I need my sexy back.. not now, but RIGHT NOW.

Okay. Sorry for the vent. But I'm a little pissed off at the moment. I am a single woman who would like to find a new boyfriend (or boy toy... you know, whatever's clever) and I'd like to re-engage in ... um, "relations" too. I miss it. Like a fat kid misses cake.  (insert sad face here)

Back to the point. In all of the discussions that I've had over the past 16 months about losing this, and regaining that... the doctors didn't really mention how to deal with the in-between time between surgeries/procedures. Yes, I knew that when I opted not to have my second breast removed that it would mean that I would look different. But it never occurred to me just how different and for so long. Each surgery requires weeks/months of recuperation time. Time where you are basically just sitting still waiting for healing to take place. That's fine... but how do I adjust to how I look?

I'm vain. Sorry to offend anyone but really... I'm vain. Have been for most of my life. Even when I was a kid that other kids called ugly... I really thought I was cute. And when I grew out of that ugly-duckling stage (wasn't nothing wrong with their eyes, I did look a little crazy sometimes)... I really thought I was cute. Then I was sexy. And finally, I was moving into sultry. (okay... maybe only in my head but shoot... cute stops being applicable when you're 40) Bottom line is that my appearance mattered to me.

I like looking good. Dammit.

So... I'm sitting here lopsided and annoyed because before breast cancer and mastectomies, finding a beautiful and sexy bra that worked for me was difficult. I was a hard size to find (well, AM a hard size to find) and now that I'm still partially that difficult size I have to wonder why didn't anybody really tell me how awkward all of this would feel?

My mother -- bless her heart -- did try to convince me to remove both of my breasts. At the time, I thought it was crazy since there was nothing wrong with my other breast. I felt like I needed to keep a part of myself intact and whole. I still think that was a good decision. The way that my reconstructed breast feels (to me) is odd. I am guessing that it will take some time before it feels totally like me... assuming that it ever does. But check it. I'm still a girl. I still want to look sexy, in and out of my clothes. I still want to know that the man I'm with can look at me and be excited at the prospect.

Most women are uneven. We're not built perfectly symmetrical. Usually the difference is so negligible that women don't notice at all. But there are definitely numbers of women who naturally have significant differences in their breast sizes. I can only assume that their sexual partners either don't care or don't notice and life just goes on. In a way, I'm not dealing with something that a lot of women don't deal with every day. But of course, there's that breast cancer twist that makes it all just that much more ... ugh.

I was supposed to be healed and back to my life by now. And I was on my way... until I fell just before Christmas. That fall seems to have caused more problems than I initially wanted to admit. The delay in my healing has made me (once again) revisit having more surgery to make myself look normal again. Normal isn't the right word... but you know what I mean. I always thought that those women who went through multiple plastic surgery procedures had issues. Mental problems where they couldn't see their body in the right way -- body dysmorphia. I always felt a little sad for them. So, now that I am considering more surgery (and struggling with the notion) I am wondering where I fall on the spectrum of body dysmorphia.

Here's the real deal. I want to go to the beach this summer (as usual) and I had hoped to be able to sport a sexy bathing suit and play with some cute boys (okay... one cute one in particular, but you know... I'm single, I like to look around). While I know that my attractiveness, my sexiness is between my ears and not on my chest... I also know that a woman's body is a true thing of beauty. And I want that beauty back too.

More surgery, more recuperation, more pain OR using prosthetics and other "tricks" for the rest of my life?

Geez... what choices.

Breast reconstruction after mastectomy

Lymphedema Appointment

I just got back from seeing the physiotherapist ... a follow up appointment for my lymphedema. After measuring up my arm and hand she said I had lost a lot of fluid ... a dramatic improvement she said. Now that’s what I like to hear... tho I continue to have too much fluid in my hand. The glove sewn for me four months ago is not as tight fitting as the sleeve and now it’s too big. She gave me a couple of loaner gloves to try out until I make up my mind on size. Then I’ll purchase a new one in a couple of months. Government Insurance here subsidises 50 % of the purchase of two gloves and sleeves per year.

In addition, the physiotherapist suggested that we should try something new in combination with the glove and sleeve to help massage the fluid out of my hand. She put this stretchy sticky tape that wraps around the base of my fingers and on up my forearm. She stretched it 25% as she applied it. This tape helps pump the fluid out of the hand area as I flex my wrist throughout the day. She gave me a couple of extras that I can apply myself. This tape can be purchased at medical supply stores and the bonus is ... I can take a shower with it. Just need to let it dry out before I put my sleeve and glove back on.

Good news ... all and all.

what color bra are you wearing? did you tell all your facebook friends?

For the past few days, I've received quite a few requests to update my facebook status with the color of my bra. This was supposed to have two goals; to confuse the men of facebook (they weren't invited to participate) and to promote breast cancer awareness.

My reaction: well, no offense to anyone who sent it to me but it seemed really childish. Like... fresh out of someone's junior high school (okay, middle school--I'm old, forgive me) conversation. My second reaction was that I didn't feel comfortable telling that much of my business to the facebook world. My third reaction was the most lasting -- I couldn't figure out how this change would promote breast cancer awareness.

But as a sister who is on a mission to reduce the shame surrounding breast cancer, and to (even better) encourage all women to take charge of their "sexy" and take charge of their breast health, I had to really think about how I felt about this movement. And it was indeed a movement. My Fabulous Boobies is all for women staking their claim on their own sexuality. A healthy body is a sexy body. And healthy boobs (even if its only one, or if there aren't any) are truly sexy and absolutely fabulous.

I've been reading quite a few articles and blog posts about the Facebook effort and I wasn't the only breast cancer survivor who felt oddly on the outside of this particular effort to raise awareness. Some survivors were brought right back to a place of hurt and pain because it was yet another reminder that their bodies were different. Some were angered. I'm sure that many were like me, confused about the point of it all. Which is quite sad actually. But I think that for once, this movement wasn't really about us as much as it was about "them". Them being the millions and millions of women who don't take the time to pay attention to their breasts. They... needed awareness. We (unfortunately) are on a different level of understanding about what breast cancer can do to our bodies.

After thinking about it for some time I've decided that I'm not offended and in fact, I'm grateful for the attention and pleased that it isn't just about being pink. I love that "we" have a color that easily identifies our cause, however, I like the focus on the actual breasts even more. After all, they are the point of the entire conversation.

The beauty of a viral movement like "put your bra color as your facebook status" is that its simple to do, it doesn't discriminate about size or shape of breasts and it can be as racy or as sedate as the participant is comfortable with. Its a little bit naughty but not too much. It causes guys to use their imagination and women to refocus on their own sexiness for a moment.

I read about the reactions of some women who were slightly embarrassed when they looked down to confirm what they were actually wearing. Hmm....? Dilemma. Do I really tell the world that I have on this dingy apparatus, or tweak imaginations and say that I'm sporting a racy, lacy black demi-cup bra? Depends on who you are and who your friends are -- and what your privacy settings are set to. (laughs)

As crazy as it seems... dressing sexy on purpose (all the way down to your undergarments) is something that a lot of women don't do. We're not always conscious about the parts of ourselves that may not actually receive a lot of attention. Or, we're so caught up in not feeling that we look good enough, we end up dressing poorly so that more attention isn't brought to those areas we're uncomfortable with. So, a movement that forces us to look down and then wonder... isn't bad. Its pretty good if it does, in fact, cause women to think about the choice they made when they got dressed. Its made better because it is about a cause that is stripping the world of a lot of talented people every year. I'm willing to bet money (well, maybe cupcakes since I'm not much of a gambler) that next week, a whole lot of women will dress more consciously and pull out their more sexy and appealing undergarments. (laughs)

All it takes is a little attention to remind you that you are in control of certain things. Wearing a pretty bra may seem like a little thing in the grand scheme of all you're responsible for in a day... but when you feel good on the inside, it shows on the outside. So you can rock your prettiest lace bra and still go out with a conservative outfit on. Only your partner will know your secret. But lots of other people will begin to wonder what's different about you.

Look, my body is not the same as it was. It never will be again. I know that -- even if I don't like it. But what made me sexy before cancer was the way I thought about myself and the way that those thoughts carried over to the way that I presented myself. So, if I can work on being sexy with my changed boobies and changed body... then any woman can connect with her inner vixen and feel sexy every day too. All it takes is a little conscious effort.

And while you're feeling sexy... squeeze 'em up. Feel on those boobies. They are fabulous don't ya know?

The first link below is to the Washington Post article about this phenomenon. The second link is to a lingerie store that I highly recommend to all women who wear bras. A well-fitted bra will change your life. I promise you. (laughs) Most women do not wear the right size bra and the poor fit affects the way that you look in your clothes.

Breast cancer awareness goes viral on Facebook . . . with bra color updates

Link to Intimacy - bra fit stylists



PS. Remind me one day to tell you the story about my first trip to Intimacy. It was eye-popping and bumped my sexy swagger up significantly. But that's a story for another day...

Burning Under Eyes

This morning I woke up with burning sensation under my eyes, right where the crust forms from the Sandman. What began as itching has turned to burning. I washed my whole face and put lotion in that area and felt relief real quick.

About a year ago, when I was getting a Taxotere infusion, one of the nurses and I discussed its side effects. She asked how my eyes were and I said runny. She asked if I felt any burning under the eyes like some of the patients were experiencing. Apparently the chemo was coming out via the tear ducts and burning the skin under the eyes. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing back then but I think that is what is happening to me now. I’ll discuss it with the Onc when I see her in a couple of weeks.

Do you know what's lurking in your cosmetics?

I'm not a girly-girl. Meaning, I'm not all that frilly and prissy. A little... to be sure. I am definitely a woman who enjoys her femininity. But I'm not too fussy about it. Like many women, I like to look nice and to smell nice. It makes me happy. It makes me feel attractive. And it connects me to my sexier nature. I'll be honest, I'm not usually feeling too pretty when I'm bumming around in sweats and a t-shirt with no make-up and no smell-good on. I may be confident but I'm not feeling my absolute best. (and sadly... I've been spending far too much time bumming around)

But, at the end of the day, my confidence shoots up when I have my face made up well, my skin is well-moisturized and smelling sweet and tasty. Sexy looks good on me...

Since my diagnosis, I have been wondering about the additives that are in lotion, nail polish and make-up. During chemotherapy, my oncologist advised me not to use certain things on my body like hair dye and nail polish. My oncologist and my radiation oncologist suggested certain lotions that I could use to help with my skin changes and that wouldn't irritate my post-chemotherapy sensitive skin.

Cosmetics is a huge industry in this country. Women and men spend billions of dollars every year in order to look better, feel better, smell better... and for the most part, we don't give a second thought to what's in our products. I think on the one hand, we're sort of ignorant about what is actually going into our products. But also, we rely on our government, the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) specifically, to protect us from harmful additives.

If you'll review the chart below, you will see a lot of words that are probably in the items in your bathroom. I don't know why companies are allowed to continue to use these items -- I'm guessing because they extend the shelf-life of the products which is a plus to the profit line. Check it out for yourself... and then consider using items that don't include these ingredients.

PS... I had to shake my head. Musk? C'mon son! How's a girl supposed to get her sexy, sultry on and musk is linked to cancer? Sheesh!

C'mon son!

The Connection Between Cosmetics and Breast Cancer (pdf)

Did you know... these famous african-americans battled breast cancer? Pt. 3

Ernie Green, retired fullback for the Cleveland Browns, business manufacturer. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005.

Shirley Horn, jazz singer and pianist. Passed away from breast cancer in 2005.

Danitra Vance, actress. Known for work on Saturday Night Live. Passed away from breast cancer in 1994.

Angelena Rice, music teacher, science teacher and mother of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 1969. Passed away in 1985.

 Margaret Walker, poet and writer. Known for the poem For My People. Passed away from breast cancer in 1998.

June Jordan, teacher, novelist, poet and journalist. Passed away from breast cancer in 2002.

Patricia Roberts Harris, first african-american woman ambassador, former Secretary of House and Urban Development, and Health, Education and Welfare. Ran for mayor of Washington, DC. Passed away from breast cancer in 1985.